To The Momma Who Doesn't Know What She Wants to be When She Grows Up

Dear Momma,

Yes, you... The momma who doesn't know what she wants to be when she grows up.  You know who you are. I know who you are.  Why? Because I am you. Desperately and silently searching for a sign, a passion, a message in the sky...anything.  You have gone "back to school" for everything from teaching to astrophysics.  You started that Etsy shop that never quite took off.  You work odd part time jobs or volunteer, or join one of those mommy and me music classes, searching for that spark.

You know what spark I am talking about, that one that all of your working friends seemingly have. That spark that your friend from high school has about her awesome job, where she gets to where those ultra-flattering pencil skirts with the blouses that hit her body in all the right places.  That spark that your friend had all throughout nursing school as she busted her butt while still raising her family, and you sit there and wonder how, because you are lucky if you remember to turn the dryer on.

Remember that time you were going to become a fitness instructor? Or that one time you were going to write a novel, but then you ate a doughnut and realized that you don't know the difference between there, they're and their.  Me too.

 For years, I have been searching for that passion.  I have a desperate need to fill this empty hole in my soul.  But with what?  How many aptitude tests can I take before finding my calling?  Is that a thing? Do people really have a "calling"?  Or do we all just muster through life and do what we have to do to get by? I am a member of a momma group on Facebook, and a while back, I posted about this...asking other mommas if they felt fulfilled.  Turns out, I wasn't alone in my desperation to find myself.  Some of these mothers education’s stopped at high school, others have masters degrees, and still more, many of these mothers attended trade schools and have made quite the living in doing so.  Yet so many of these mommas agreed that they still didn't know what they wanted to do with their lives, that they didn't feel fulfilled, or that they didn't have a passion.  Why is that? Why are all these successful mothers going to bed at night feeling so unsuccessful? 

I honestly don't have any answers for all of these questions.  But what I do have, is a good idea of why I feel this way.  Two words: Self worth.  There have been countless times where I sell myself short, I cut myself down.  I tell myself that I am not smart enough, strong enough, patient enough, disciplined enough.  I am constantly reminding myself that I am not enough.  Recently, I have struggled with some intense anxiety, and in my desperation to start feeling better, I decided to take up crocheting.  I went to the local craft store, bought some yarn and a crochet hook, looked up some "how to" videos on the internet and went at it.  I got about 10 rows into my "scarf", held it up and saw what a disaster I had created.  Some areas were too tight, others were too loose, I lost count of my rows... it was quite possibly the worst crochet project in history.  So I stopped, I put it back in the bag and it has been sitting in my nightstand ever since.  My husband asked why I stopped, and my reply "I'm not patient enough.". There is that word again, enough. Such a powerful word.  It can make or break someones spirit.

Stay with me here, I promise I have a point to my ramblings.

I am going to give you a spoon of medicine that I should probably be taking myself.  You can be an astrophysicist, because you are smart enough. You can be a teacher because you are patient enough.  You can be a fitness instructor because you are strong enough.  You can be a writer, because that story you have to tell...it is enough.  So whatever it is momma, whatever that passion is, that secret desire in you, go for it.  Because you are enough.  Reach for the stars and then reach higher.  Don't stop even when you get to where you are going.  Because you aren't just enough... You are more than enough.

May the days of grace be with you, today and every day.