4 Ways My Anxiety Makes My Child a Better Person
I am one of the 25% of adult Americans who suffer from a mental health disorder. I am also a mother of a young, thriving, brilliant child. For years I have struggled with Anxiety, Hypochondria and Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. It has robbed me happiness, life experiences, relationships. My anxiety has cost me friendships, burdened my marriage and strained work relationships. Most of the time, the issues I suffer from, do more damage in my life than good, and because of that, I have developed a very negative relationship with my anxiety. But as my daughter gets older, as she grows into her own person, I have begun to see that what has caused so much chaos, can actually be used as a tool to make my child into a better, more compassionate, human being.
Here is how.
1. It teaches her empathy.
On my worst of days, where I cannot hide the stream of tears rolling down my face and I cannot fake a smile for the life of me, she notices. My sweet three year old girl stops what she is doing to ask me if I am okay. She will hug me, lay with me on the couch and run her baby fingers through my hair, just like I do to her when she is upset. And while I don't share with her the gritty details of my anxious heart, I do share with her how I am feeling; She tries, in her innocent mind, to understand my hurt.
2. It shows her that expressing your emotions is okay.
I feel like all too often we live in a "suck it up, buttercup" world. If you don't have thick skin, you will get eaten alive in this great big place. I remember being little, and being shamed for wearing my heart on my sleeves. So growing up, I always felt that being emotional was a negative thing. As I have gotten older, and come into my own, I realize that there is so much beauty in being able to express exactly how you are feeling. And whether it is nature or nurture, my daughter is learning at a young age, that expressing your emotions is perfectly okay, and I would like to think that I lead by example. If she sees that something scares me (because let's face it, I really am scared of everything), she knows that it is okay to be scared, it is okay to not feel comfortable with something. She also sees that even when I am scared, that sometimes I am really brave, and facing your fears is exhilarating.
3. It shows her the importance of self care.
"Mommy needs a minute alone." I am sure she hears those words in her dreams. One of the most important things you can do for yourself, is take time for you. So easily, we get lost in the everyday grind of life and we forget to breathe. But for me, self care is not only important, it is crucial to my well being. If I am feeling overwhelmed, or on the edge of a panic attack, I will do whatever I can to get a few minutes of peace. Sometimes that involves telling my daughter that I need a few minutes to calm down and relax. I watch her now, take moments to herself. She will take a few deep breaths, regain her composure and move along.
4. It teaches her one of the most important life lessons.
You. Are. Not. Responsible. For. Anyone's. Feelings. But. Your. Own. If there is one thing I am glad my anxiety has done for my daughter, it is that it is starting to teach her this. One day, a few months ago, I was crying...okay I was sobbing on the couch, unable to come out of this terrible panic attack. I was very aware that my daughters hypnotic stare at the TV could be broken any minute if she heard me. I didn't want her to see me like this, but I was almost paralyzed in fear and couldn't muster up the strength to go somewhere more private to regain my composure. Then it happened. She turned around and we locked eyes. She ran over and hugged me. Then she sang me the ABC's. When she was done, she said the one thing I hoped she would never say... "Did I make you happy mommy?". I looked at her and very slowly I told her, "Your song was very sweet. That was kind of you, but only mommy can make mommy happy. That is my job, not yours. I love you very much." I know, that at the tender age of three, she did not quite grasp what I was saying, but I will keep reminding her of this for all the days of my life. Your happiness is only dependent on yourself. No other human is responsible for your happiness, and you are not responsible for theirs. Plain and simple.
Here is how.
1. It teaches her empathy.
On my worst of days, where I cannot hide the stream of tears rolling down my face and I cannot fake a smile for the life of me, she notices. My sweet three year old girl stops what she is doing to ask me if I am okay. She will hug me, lay with me on the couch and run her baby fingers through my hair, just like I do to her when she is upset. And while I don't share with her the gritty details of my anxious heart, I do share with her how I am feeling; She tries, in her innocent mind, to understand my hurt.
2. It shows her that expressing your emotions is okay.
I feel like all too often we live in a "suck it up, buttercup" world. If you don't have thick skin, you will get eaten alive in this great big place. I remember being little, and being shamed for wearing my heart on my sleeves. So growing up, I always felt that being emotional was a negative thing. As I have gotten older, and come into my own, I realize that there is so much beauty in being able to express exactly how you are feeling. And whether it is nature or nurture, my daughter is learning at a young age, that expressing your emotions is perfectly okay, and I would like to think that I lead by example. If she sees that something scares me (because let's face it, I really am scared of everything), she knows that it is okay to be scared, it is okay to not feel comfortable with something. She also sees that even when I am scared, that sometimes I am really brave, and facing your fears is exhilarating.
3. It shows her the importance of self care.
"Mommy needs a minute alone." I am sure she hears those words in her dreams. One of the most important things you can do for yourself, is take time for you. So easily, we get lost in the everyday grind of life and we forget to breathe. But for me, self care is not only important, it is crucial to my well being. If I am feeling overwhelmed, or on the edge of a panic attack, I will do whatever I can to get a few minutes of peace. Sometimes that involves telling my daughter that I need a few minutes to calm down and relax. I watch her now, take moments to herself. She will take a few deep breaths, regain her composure and move along.
4. It teaches her one of the most important life lessons.
You. Are. Not. Responsible. For. Anyone's. Feelings. But. Your. Own. If there is one thing I am glad my anxiety has done for my daughter, it is that it is starting to teach her this. One day, a few months ago, I was crying...okay I was sobbing on the couch, unable to come out of this terrible panic attack. I was very aware that my daughters hypnotic stare at the TV could be broken any minute if she heard me. I didn't want her to see me like this, but I was almost paralyzed in fear and couldn't muster up the strength to go somewhere more private to regain my composure. Then it happened. She turned around and we locked eyes. She ran over and hugged me. Then she sang me the ABC's. When she was done, she said the one thing I hoped she would never say... "Did I make you happy mommy?". I looked at her and very slowly I told her, "Your song was very sweet. That was kind of you, but only mommy can make mommy happy. That is my job, not yours. I love you very much." I know, that at the tender age of three, she did not quite grasp what I was saying, but I will keep reminding her of this for all the days of my life. Your happiness is only dependent on yourself. No other human is responsible for your happiness, and you are not responsible for theirs. Plain and simple.
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