To The Ex-Friend Who Gave Me An Amazing Gift
Dear Ex-Friend,
Our friendship burned out as fast as it started. When we met, we were attached at the hip, and for several months it stayed that way. Then one day, it was gone. We both felt it, we knew it was over. But I am a fighter. I wanted to fight for us. I didn't want things to change. I pretty much begged you to stay, even though you never outwardly said you were leaving. But again, we both know it was true. We knew it was happening and there was nothing either of us could do to stop it. We just weren't meant to be. For a week or so after our falling out, I was hurt, angry and confused. I wanted answers. I wanted to know why one day, I imagined the excitement of our girls going off to kindergarten together and the next day, I couldn't hold back tears as I responded to my daughter when she asked to go to your house.
As the weeks have gone by, I have come to realize, that sometimes people don't enter our lives to stay there. They enter our lives to give us something we need, and when their time is done, they leave. It is as simple as that. And that is why you came into my life. You were there to give me something. Something I needed to grow to be a better version of myself and once I had the tools I needed, our paths separated.
You inspired me. You inspired me to be myself. Completely and truly. Our friendship was toxic from day one, and its ending was just as dysfunctional as the beginning. All of that, inspired me to be exactly who I wanted to be. I have become so insanely confident in who I am as a mother, as a wife, as a friend. I have found my place in the world, and feel like I belong exactly where I am. And it is all because of you. Partially because you never took shit from anyone and that was such an admirable trait in my eyes, and partially because you unintentionally made me feel like shit when I was around you. I never felt like I was enough. All of my childhood insecurities reared their ugly head when I was around you. All of my insecurities were exacerbated by your presence. I felt weak and intimidated, I felt unworthy of you. And it was never something you did that caused me to feel this way. It was simply the way you carried yourself. Everything about you, even when you shared your faults, seemed better than me and mine.
I was always concerned with what you might think of me, my hair, my clothes, my house... Gosh darn-it I was concerned with what you might think of my daughters clothes. How insane was it, that I, a 26 year old married woman with a child, a job, an education, would be concerned with what another woman thought of me? Yet there I was, day in and day out, until the day it ended, desperately searching for your approval. I would have panic attacks when I would text you and you wouldn't text me back. Wondering for hours if I said the wrong thing. I spent precious moments of my days asking myself why I cared so much. Why I tortured myself this way... And one day, something changed. As our friendship died out, a burning desire in me grew. I became so very confident in myself. I realized in the fault of our friendship, that I am not worthless. I am me. Though we couldn't accept who one another were, there are people out there that can, and do. There are people out there who are lifted by your energy, and inspired by your heart. And there are people out there that desire my ability to give my friends every ounce of my heart. It was never about not being good enough, it was just about not being what you needed. I was not what you needed in a friendship, and you were not what I needed. But in spite of all of that, I learned a valuable lesson from you. And that is that I am enough. I am good enough, smart enough, classy enough. I can be me and be enough. I don't have to be enough for you. I just have to be enough for me, and the people who I am enough for, will come. And they will stay as long as they are supposed too. Whether its 5 months or 50 years. And I will be okay with that. Because I am enough. And so are you.
Our friendship burned out as fast as it started. When we met, we were attached at the hip, and for several months it stayed that way. Then one day, it was gone. We both felt it, we knew it was over. But I am a fighter. I wanted to fight for us. I didn't want things to change. I pretty much begged you to stay, even though you never outwardly said you were leaving. But again, we both know it was true. We knew it was happening and there was nothing either of us could do to stop it. We just weren't meant to be. For a week or so after our falling out, I was hurt, angry and confused. I wanted answers. I wanted to know why one day, I imagined the excitement of our girls going off to kindergarten together and the next day, I couldn't hold back tears as I responded to my daughter when she asked to go to your house.
As the weeks have gone by, I have come to realize, that sometimes people don't enter our lives to stay there. They enter our lives to give us something we need, and when their time is done, they leave. It is as simple as that. And that is why you came into my life. You were there to give me something. Something I needed to grow to be a better version of myself and once I had the tools I needed, our paths separated.
You inspired me. You inspired me to be myself. Completely and truly. Our friendship was toxic from day one, and its ending was just as dysfunctional as the beginning. All of that, inspired me to be exactly who I wanted to be. I have become so insanely confident in who I am as a mother, as a wife, as a friend. I have found my place in the world, and feel like I belong exactly where I am. And it is all because of you. Partially because you never took shit from anyone and that was such an admirable trait in my eyes, and partially because you unintentionally made me feel like shit when I was around you. I never felt like I was enough. All of my childhood insecurities reared their ugly head when I was around you. All of my insecurities were exacerbated by your presence. I felt weak and intimidated, I felt unworthy of you. And it was never something you did that caused me to feel this way. It was simply the way you carried yourself. Everything about you, even when you shared your faults, seemed better than me and mine.
I was always concerned with what you might think of me, my hair, my clothes, my house... Gosh darn-it I was concerned with what you might think of my daughters clothes. How insane was it, that I, a 26 year old married woman with a child, a job, an education, would be concerned with what another woman thought of me? Yet there I was, day in and day out, until the day it ended, desperately searching for your approval. I would have panic attacks when I would text you and you wouldn't text me back. Wondering for hours if I said the wrong thing. I spent precious moments of my days asking myself why I cared so much. Why I tortured myself this way... And one day, something changed. As our friendship died out, a burning desire in me grew. I became so very confident in myself. I realized in the fault of our friendship, that I am not worthless. I am me. Though we couldn't accept who one another were, there are people out there that can, and do. There are people out there who are lifted by your energy, and inspired by your heart. And there are people out there that desire my ability to give my friends every ounce of my heart. It was never about not being good enough, it was just about not being what you needed. I was not what you needed in a friendship, and you were not what I needed. But in spite of all of that, I learned a valuable lesson from you. And that is that I am enough. I am good enough, smart enough, classy enough. I can be me and be enough. I don't have to be enough for you. I just have to be enough for me, and the people who I am enough for, will come. And they will stay as long as they are supposed too. Whether its 5 months or 50 years. And I will be okay with that. Because I am enough. And so are you.
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