The Struggle is Real

 When you suffer from anxiety and panic disorders, sometimes it is hard to decipher between reality and the panic. For myself, anxiety and panic attacks manifest very physically. I get chest pains, shortness of breath, nausea, uncontrollable shaking, and sometimes even vomiting. Because of this, I have developed an intense fear of having a heart attack, or some other type of medical emergency, like a stroke or brain aneurysm. It has taken me a long time to realize why I have this fear. 

I thought for a long time that my fears were valid because anything is possible. But something happened yesterday that helped me understand that while my feelings and panic are real, that there is little validity to them. There have been MANY times where I am thoroughly convinced that I am going to die. Times where I have been so engulfed in panic, that I have called 911 on myself or taken myself to an emergency room. Every time, the panic subsides, and along with it, my physical symptoms. Even though every time I was in the depths of these attacks, it felt so real, it felt so tangible, there is always a small part of me that knows it’s panic and anxiety, even if I don’t listen to that small part. 

Yesterday however, was different. For the first time, my fears turned to reality. While working out yesterday at the gym, I started to faint. I felt it coming on, and was able to call over to another gym goer right before I collapsed. I was conscious the whole time, but was unable to see or move. My hearing was muffled and my fingers and toes were icy and numb feeling. Someone called 911 and first responders arrived at the scene and assessed me. The whole experience was frightening but I was oddly calm and collected during the entire debacle. This was so different than panic attacks. I had no doubt in my mind that what was happening to my body was real, and that it was not brought on by mental illness.

 For the first time, I was truly and clearly able to decipher the difference between a panic attack and a true medical event. As much as I wish that didn’t happen, because it was terrifying and embarrassing, in a way, I think it was a good thing. I am still a little on edge, but remembering what it felt like to truly have something not physically right with your body feels so different than a panic attack. I think I can use this to my advantage. I don’t think I will ever be free from panic attacks, but I am working every day to manage them as best I can. 

Now I can see that my fear of a medical emergencies quite possibly stemmed from not being able to see and feel the difference between what my mind and fears were telling me, and what was truly happening. Now that I have experienced that difference, I want to try my best to use it as a tool to overcome this disorder that, at times, controls my life; instead of letting the trauma of the situation deepen my fears.