Insert Foot Here
I had plans tonight. Plans to binge on take-out Chinese, watch the
new season of The Bachelorette, because hello, Jojo is a doll. Plans to
get to bed by 9:30 (yeah right), because I have not been getting nearly
enough sleep these days. But sometimes plans don't always go
accordingly... Tonight is one of those times. So instead of opening my
laptop and logging into Hulu, I am opening my laptop to a fresh Word
document and spilling my guts.
I am a sensitive woman. It is part of who I am, and this characteristic has many redeeming qualities to it. But at times, times like tonight, my sensitivity causes me to say things I regret. I didn't mean to get so worked up, I didn't want to be "that friend"... I hate when I am "that friend". That one who is too emotional, and always has her feels hurt for one reason or another. I try really hard to not be "that friend". Because its exhausting to be friends with someone who constantly needs a crutch, validation and complains about the color of the sky. I know, because it's also exhausting to be that person. I have this brokenness inside me that constantly needs to be validated. I have this desire to feel accepted and worthy and approved of.
Sometimes, that insecurity and brokenness comes out in the worst of ways. Sometimes instead of just shutting up and letting things go, I am relentless. I keep picking something up that should be dropped, burned and buried. That's where, all too often, I open up my fat gab and physically take my foot (the right one to be specific) and shove it so far back into my mouth that I end up gasping for air.
I literally choke on my own insecurities.
Then I stand back, and all I have to look at is the aftermath of the destruction I have caused. Failed friendships, arguments with loved ones, strained work relationships, it all boils down to this brokenness that I carry around with me every day of my life. I walk around with this label plastered across my forehead that says "Fragile, Handle With Care.", but I am the only one that can see it.
I wish at this point I had some inspirational words about how I am going to just stop caring about what other people think, and how I am going to just march to the beat of my own drum. But really, I am just not there yet, as much as I want to be. But I am getting there. I am slowly coming into my own, breaking away from hurtful words that left deep scars in my heart. Words that have caused me to desperately cling to any volume of approval. Words that have caused me to walk away from my desires to make sure I was pleasing to someone else and their desires.
Someday, your frown of disapproval wont send me into a panic. Someday your disagreeing opinion wont make me rethink my passion. Someday I wont feel the need to explain myself.
It is coming...soon. I can feel it.
I am a sensitive woman. It is part of who I am, and this characteristic has many redeeming qualities to it. But at times, times like tonight, my sensitivity causes me to say things I regret. I didn't mean to get so worked up, I didn't want to be "that friend"... I hate when I am "that friend". That one who is too emotional, and always has her feels hurt for one reason or another. I try really hard to not be "that friend". Because its exhausting to be friends with someone who constantly needs a crutch, validation and complains about the color of the sky. I know, because it's also exhausting to be that person. I have this brokenness inside me that constantly needs to be validated. I have this desire to feel accepted and worthy and approved of.
Sometimes, that insecurity and brokenness comes out in the worst of ways. Sometimes instead of just shutting up and letting things go, I am relentless. I keep picking something up that should be dropped, burned and buried. That's where, all too often, I open up my fat gab and physically take my foot (the right one to be specific) and shove it so far back into my mouth that I end up gasping for air.
I literally choke on my own insecurities.
Then I stand back, and all I have to look at is the aftermath of the destruction I have caused. Failed friendships, arguments with loved ones, strained work relationships, it all boils down to this brokenness that I carry around with me every day of my life. I walk around with this label plastered across my forehead that says "Fragile, Handle With Care.", but I am the only one that can see it.
I wish at this point I had some inspirational words about how I am going to just stop caring about what other people think, and how I am going to just march to the beat of my own drum. But really, I am just not there yet, as much as I want to be. But I am getting there. I am slowly coming into my own, breaking away from hurtful words that left deep scars in my heart. Words that have caused me to desperately cling to any volume of approval. Words that have caused me to walk away from my desires to make sure I was pleasing to someone else and their desires.
Someday, your frown of disapproval wont send me into a panic. Someday your disagreeing opinion wont make me rethink my passion. Someday I wont feel the need to explain myself.
It is coming...soon. I can feel it.
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