If My Panic Attacks Could Speak
There are thousands of people who suffer from anxiety and panic disorders, but there are many who do not. Many that cannot understand the panic, the terror, the fear. This is what it sounds like inside my head when I am in the midst of an attack.
FUCK.
What was that sharp pain? It's in my chest. Is this a heart attack? Fuck I am going to die here in the shower. I am going to hit my head and knock myself out and drown in 1/4" of water. I wonder if my husband will hear the thud of my fall. Thank god he is home. If he wasn't, Liv wouldn't know what to do. She isn't old enough to call 911. Holy shit. I am going to die. This is it.
Okay breathe. Is the pain still there? I think it is. It's duller now. Katie said heart attack pain doesn't go away. Katie is a nurse. She knows. She knows what she is talking about because she is a nurse. Katie said it wouldn't go away if it was a heart attack. I should check my pulse. Wow my pulse is really strong. Is it too fast? I need a stop watch. I should get out the shower and time my pulse. I should time it. If its too fast I will go to the doctor. Jake will be annoyed. He hates when I go to the emergency room for this shit. I bet he is sick of me. Who wouldn't be? Stop, he loves you. For better and for worse, he promised. Okay... my pulse is 107. That's not bad. It's probably the adrenaline rush.
Drop your shoulders. You are too tense. That is probably what caused the chest pain. My mom says I need to drop my shoulders. I should meditate. That always helps me calm down. Oh my god, why am I so cold? Why are my fingertips so cold? Is it my heart? Is there not enough blood flow? I better check my capillary refill time. That paramedic at the boardwalk told me if my heart wasn't working that the color would take longer to come back. Okay, that seems normal. I better check my pulse again. It's always good to double check. I could have counted wrong. I will put on my fitness tracker and compare my heart rate on that to a manual check. That's a good idea. Just to be sure. 89...89 is a good number. It is slowing down a bit. Is it slowing down too fast though? FUCK.
Breathe Rachelle. Breathe in. Hold. Breathe out. Breathe in. Hold. Breathe out.
I should lay down and mediate... Or should I sit? I wonder which is better...Meditating always helps. Maybe I should take an Atarax. But I hate taking pills. I hate being medicated. I should get off my meds. They probably don't work anyway. But what if they are working? What if I would be worse without them? What if I get off them and I get depressed again? Am I going to be medicated my whole life? Is this what I have become? What a great fucking way to live.
FUCK. I FUCKING HATE THIS. SHUT UP BRAIN.
I am so sick of being a potato. Jake told me that you can be an egg or a potato. One gets hard in hot water and the other gets soft. I want to be the egg. I want to be strong. But I am always a potato. Jake is really patient. I feel bad for him. I'm the worst wife...
FUCK WHAT IS THAT PAIN IN MY HEAD? Maybe I have a blood clot and it traveled from my chest to my brain and I am going to stroke out. I should do those stroke tests. Okay, I seem to have use of both sides of my body. Maybe it's not a stroke. Maybe its a brain aneurysm. My great grandma had one of those. Are they hereditary? I bet they are. I should google that. No. Jake gets mad when I google stuff. He says its not healthy. He says I should trust the doctors. But what if they are wrong? What if the doctor just thinks I am crazy. Well... I am crazy. That's why they gave me the pills. That's why I see a therapist every fucking week. Man I am fucked up.
Okay, there is definitely no pain anymore. I should get dressed. It was just anxiety. It's always just anxiety. Nothing ever happens. But what if it does? No. Stop. Just fucking stop.
BREATHE. Drop your shoulders. Breathe. Focus on your breathing. Drop your shoulders. Breathe. I want to call my mom. I shouldn't though. She hates that I have panic attacks. It makes her sad. I hate making her sad. Maybe Jake will give me a hug. His hugs always help.
Fuck, I am so tired.
FUCK.
What was that sharp pain? It's in my chest. Is this a heart attack? Fuck I am going to die here in the shower. I am going to hit my head and knock myself out and drown in 1/4" of water. I wonder if my husband will hear the thud of my fall. Thank god he is home. If he wasn't, Liv wouldn't know what to do. She isn't old enough to call 911. Holy shit. I am going to die. This is it.
Okay breathe. Is the pain still there? I think it is. It's duller now. Katie said heart attack pain doesn't go away. Katie is a nurse. She knows. She knows what she is talking about because she is a nurse. Katie said it wouldn't go away if it was a heart attack. I should check my pulse. Wow my pulse is really strong. Is it too fast? I need a stop watch. I should get out the shower and time my pulse. I should time it. If its too fast I will go to the doctor. Jake will be annoyed. He hates when I go to the emergency room for this shit. I bet he is sick of me. Who wouldn't be? Stop, he loves you. For better and for worse, he promised. Okay... my pulse is 107. That's not bad. It's probably the adrenaline rush.
Drop your shoulders. You are too tense. That is probably what caused the chest pain. My mom says I need to drop my shoulders. I should meditate. That always helps me calm down. Oh my god, why am I so cold? Why are my fingertips so cold? Is it my heart? Is there not enough blood flow? I better check my capillary refill time. That paramedic at the boardwalk told me if my heart wasn't working that the color would take longer to come back. Okay, that seems normal. I better check my pulse again. It's always good to double check. I could have counted wrong. I will put on my fitness tracker and compare my heart rate on that to a manual check. That's a good idea. Just to be sure. 89...89 is a good number. It is slowing down a bit. Is it slowing down too fast though? FUCK.
Breathe Rachelle. Breathe in. Hold. Breathe out. Breathe in. Hold. Breathe out.
I should lay down and mediate... Or should I sit? I wonder which is better...Meditating always helps. Maybe I should take an Atarax. But I hate taking pills. I hate being medicated. I should get off my meds. They probably don't work anyway. But what if they are working? What if I would be worse without them? What if I get off them and I get depressed again? Am I going to be medicated my whole life? Is this what I have become? What a great fucking way to live.
FUCK. I FUCKING HATE THIS. SHUT UP BRAIN.
I am so sick of being a potato. Jake told me that you can be an egg or a potato. One gets hard in hot water and the other gets soft. I want to be the egg. I want to be strong. But I am always a potato. Jake is really patient. I feel bad for him. I'm the worst wife...
FUCK WHAT IS THAT PAIN IN MY HEAD? Maybe I have a blood clot and it traveled from my chest to my brain and I am going to stroke out. I should do those stroke tests. Okay, I seem to have use of both sides of my body. Maybe it's not a stroke. Maybe its a brain aneurysm. My great grandma had one of those. Are they hereditary? I bet they are. I should google that. No. Jake gets mad when I google stuff. He says its not healthy. He says I should trust the doctors. But what if they are wrong? What if the doctor just thinks I am crazy. Well... I am crazy. That's why they gave me the pills. That's why I see a therapist every fucking week. Man I am fucked up.
Okay, there is definitely no pain anymore. I should get dressed. It was just anxiety. It's always just anxiety. Nothing ever happens. But what if it does? No. Stop. Just fucking stop.
BREATHE. Drop your shoulders. Breathe. Focus on your breathing. Drop your shoulders. Breathe. I want to call my mom. I shouldn't though. She hates that I have panic attacks. It makes her sad. I hate making her sad. Maybe Jake will give me a hug. His hugs always help.
Fuck, I am so tired.
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